Big Changes: Mom Edition

Over the last many months, I have been researching places for Mom to live after Dad died (with 12 years between them, it was a fair bet he’d predecease her). Several memory care assisted living places have been built nearby in recent years, and existing assisted living communities have added memory care to their offerings. It’s a growing need, for sure. Generally, these are not places where couples go to live together, so they weren’t viable considerations till Dad passed. Still, I collected brochures, gathered hints from people I know who work in the industry, and listened closely to other adult children tell their stories.

It is strange to me that we are so isolated in this process. Each family kind of has to invent the wheel for themselves. There is so much anxiety, and so little shared wisdom. The closest thing I can compare it to is applying to college, but in that, the anxiety comes from too much information about what other families are doing. There’s always the sense that everyone else is thinking of something you’ve forgotten, or that they’ve gotten better organized sooner, or something. With elder care, it’s anxiety borne of isolation. There’s no pathway to it that families take together or in parallel. It seems to me that as a society, we are kind of getting it wrong.

But I digress.

Some assisted living communities have memory care components; others are designed specifically and only for memory care. Some have all-inclusive pricing; others have tiered or itemized price lists. There are different settings, cultures, philosophies and programming at each. It is so much to consider, and the worst thing is to have to do it in a hurry; yet, many of us are in precisely that position. We need a place for a parent, stat. I did the best I could ahead of time and still feel it wasn’t enough.

Soon after Dad died, I made an appointment to tour the place I had liked best on paper and online. It was everything I could have hoped for, but expensive, so I needed time to be sure that my mother’s income and assets could make it work. I couldn’t commit right away and while I hated to let it go, had to pass up an available room. A couple of weeks later, when Mom was feeling up to checking the place out herself, Robin and I brought her there for the day. I thought she would have mixed feelings and we’d be in for a big discussion, but she liked it, and even said we should leave a deposit! By this time I knew I should not pass up the opportunity.

So it came to be that just six weeks after my father’s death, Aaron and Robin and I moved my mother into a memory care assisted living facility just 20 minutes’ drive from my house. She’s been so brave about giving up her familiar surroundings so soon after losing her husband of 52 years. It is early days yet but she seems to be adjusting fairly well… which is not to say she’s constantly delighted, but that she’s not going through anything that isn’t to be expected.

As for me, it is taking some getting used to not having to call her several times a day, and not living with the constant background anxiety that I might get an emergency phone call at any time of the night. There is very much to do at my parents’ house down Cape, but that is all just stuff. The emotional changes are profound and will take some time to realize. It is a mix of grief, relief, sympathy, exultation, sadness, happiness… everything, just everything. Whatever the feeling of the moment, though, I know this was absolutely the right move.

It’s a new chapter.

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What to do about anger?

I can’t bear to go through all the details of yesterday’s phone call to Mom. Suffice to say that it contained all the usual elements:

  • She was still asleep when I called in late morning.
  • She’d just woken up when I called again at noon.
  • She said back pain kept her up all night.
  • She didn’t know what day it is, and didn’t remember when I told her. Not the first time, not the 8th.
  • She was confused by the number of pills in her box, reporting 4 when there ought to have been 6 1/2. She said today’s compartment was empty, then said it did have pills in it, but not enough. She asked why Wednesday has no pills at all and what will she do then, not remembering that I’ll be back to refill the box. This exchange was repeated at least four times.

In a new twist, she took my Dad’s pills instead of her own, even though her pill box is bright purple, chosen specifically to be very distinct from Dad’s. At least that explains there only being 4 pills. (Fortunately Dad’s were only supplements; he keeps the important stuff separate.) Then she realized her error and took her own, of which there were 6 1/2, as I’d been saying all along (this is now 45 minutes into the call). She said she had been confused and in a rush because I was coming. I was never coming, and had never said I was coming, and it wouldn’t have been a reason to rush, in any case.

This is what dementia sounds like. Nothing she says can be trusted to have any consistent or correlative relationship to reality. When a normal person gets “confused,” they can be set straight. Oh, right, they’ll say. I was just confused. When a dementia patient is confused, talking them through it is like screwing yourself deeper and deeper into the marsh mud at low tide. Then the tide comes in.

All this happened while Robin and I were on the way from shopping to my friend Jolene’s house. We had the Corolla, because Aaron has “my” minivan up in New Hampshire for the weekend. I hate this reliable little car with the intensity of a thousand suns. It’s ugly, uncomfortable, cramped, loud, dirty (Aaron cares much less about keeping it clean than I do), and lacks Bluetooth. The minivan is not a luxury vehicle by any means, but neither is it any of those things, and Bluetooth makes phone calls so much safer and easier.

Robin and I had had an unsuccessful time shopping and were dashing back to pick up Jolene’s son, who’d be spending the afternoon at our house while she worked. I was cranky about the shopping trip. I was cranky about the car. I was cranky about having agreed to have a friend over. I had a headache and the beginnings of cramps. And then I had this hour-long conversation which made no fucking sense, and which, if I could have typed out a transcript, you would not even believe.

When we signed off, I screamed — screamed! — in frustration. Poor Robin. I told her that if I ever begin to do this kind of thing to her, that she should kill me. That, well, ok, obviously she could not be expected to kill me, but she should put me in a home and then move as far away as fucking possible and never look back. I will not allow her life to be sucked up by this kind of thing. I will not allow it. I will NOT.

It was at about that point that I realized my phone had not, in fact, hung up. I had thrown it into the passenger foot well when I said good-bye, but hadn’t disconnected. It is possible that my Dad–it was he on the phone at the end of the conversation–heard my whole poisonous, insane, horrible rant.

I understand that dementia is not my mother’s fault. I understand that being angry about it is normal (and so does Robin. She is a tremendous comfort). I try to keep anger about her illness from becoming anger at her for not being able to think and anger at my Dad for not being more managerial about it (he is blind, yes, but he can think, and he knows what fucking day it is, and he could help with the medicine thing).

It can feel like a lot of anger, which has never been my strong suit.

We got to Jolene’s house, and she asked how I was, and for once, I didn’t turn back the attention and say “fine, you?” I just laid it out. Empty. I’m running on empty. My parents have sucked me dry today and I have nothing left except feeling angry all the time. She listened, and she helped, and it was so good to have a friend in that moment that the stupid aggravations evaporated and the serious issues receded.

Having Josh over was fun. He and the girls played Clue, had a soccer ball punting contest in the backyard, played Wii, and watched Sherlock. Meanwhile I called my parents again, prepared to face their reaction to what they might have overheard earlier. They never mentioned it, and nothing in their demeanor suggested they heard any of it. Jolene said they had probably just put their phone right down after saying good-bye. If they heard anything at all it would only have been car noise from where my phone had lain on the floor. I’m going to assume, with relief, that she’s right.

After Jolene finished work, we all went out to dinner and talked about other things. My friends are terrific, and my girls are terrific, and I’m feeling better.

I’m still wondering what people do with their anger, though. I’m open to suggestions.

Haircuts

I took my parents to get their hair cut.

Mom used to go to a salon in Hyannis, but missed several appointments and is no longer welcome there. She didn’t appreciate that not showing up meant loss of income to her stylist, who sent a very gracious note wishing Mom well and explaining that she couldn’t accommodate those losses anymore.

Unwilling to visit a less posh salon closer to home, Mom didn’t get her hair cut for almost a year after that (don’t look at me, this is while she still had her driver’s license). Meanwhile, Dad was seeing his regular person, Tammy, just 10 minutes away.

Getting Dad from place to place can be quite a production. Eighty-six and blind, he doesn’t make quick strides, and he’s very easily startled by changes underfoot. From car to building, he has cane in one hand, me in the other; I’ve got him on one arm and everything else over the other shoulder. If it’s raining, add an umbrella. We shuffle along. It’s nice when someone holds a door.

When I first brought Dad to Tammy after Mom stopped driving, she came right to the door, opened it wide and swept him away as smoothly as you please. She offered just the right guidance and spoke at just the right volume about just the right things. And my Dad sat right down in her chair and proceeded to tell her All About It. They had a great time and I was so happily unnecessary it brought tears to my eyes. He came home looking handsome and feeling great. I tipped her exorbitantly.

Mom, in desperation, now agreed to see Tammy as well. I scheduled a midday appointment to get them both taken care of and me back to Sandwich in time for Robin’s volleyball game. Win-win (and-hopefully-win).

They were getting dressed when I arrived to pick them up. Dad needed help with small, stiff shirt buttons. He was mad that he couldn’t do them. I said “Dad, maybe you need to start wearing rugby shirts!” I was not entirely serious. However he is now obsessed with the idea of a rugby shirt, and I know what to get him for Christmas.

Sad news at the salon: Tammy was out due to injury. Rather than call to reschedule, the salon people had figured other stylists could fill in. This made me nervous and a bit resentful. Tammy is the whole point of that place. It’s not so great without her.

Stylists were hanging around discussing lunch orders, but Dad’s designated stand-in wasn’t even in the building. We were told she was delayed due to “the weather” (light rain). We waited. When she arrived and was asked if she wanted something from the cafe, she said “no, I picked up something on the way.” I think she realized mid-sentence how that came across.

A mystery: The ladies’ room in this place has no dryer or towels, so the inside door handle is always wet. But there’s a roll of paper towels on a table ten feet down the hall.

More mysteries: There is a lot of weird shit for sale crammed into the waiting area. Here is a partial list:

  • cocktail forks
  • a blouse
  • an electric egg cooker
  • a book by Dr. Phil
  • scented candles
  • a pair of metallic sandals
  • orange silicone kitchen utensils
  • loose tea
  • a scarf
  • Christmas ornaments (or fall? are fall ornaments a thing?)
  • a sequined black sweatshirt
  • an elaborately framed print of Cavalry, by Octavio Ocampo, which is a pretty creepy work of art no matter how you frame it.

It’s like that game where you look at a random assortment of items on a tray, and then someone takes away the tray and you have to list as many of the items as you can remember.

I’m in a constant state of low-grade confusion and irritability in this place. Why aren’t the paper towels in the bathroom? Where does all this crap come from and who would buy it? Where is the lady who’s going to cut my Dad’s hair? What is that other lady doing to my mother and how soon will it be before Mom starts saying things we will all regret? Why is all of this taking so long?

An hour and a half later, Mom had something like a bowl cut. Dad’s was better. Mom was persuaded to buy expensive tea tree shampoo to treat something on her scalp that I suspect would not exist if she shampooed more often. She was instructed not to use the expensive tea tree shampoo every day. That is not going to be an issue.

I’d thought we might go to lunch, but I was so fried that I just brought them home, paid the bills, brought in the mail, the newspapers and the garbage bin, consolidated some of Dad’s medicines in bottles he has marked in various ways to know by touch what they are, and set up Mom’s medications for the week ahead.

What I took away: Mom’s 2015 appointment calendar, with about 8 pounds of paper scraps tucked into it that I will scan through to be sure don’t include any legal documents (the car registration is MIA, for one thing); three catalogs to call and get her off their mailing list, again.

Another visit done.

I did make it to Robin’s game: a victory that left her in a fabulous mood all evening.

Blink! First day of school.

Summer flew, as summers fly. Robin did her “nerd camp” and then a volleyball skills camp. Josie, as promised, did “nothing,” which means she reread all the Harry Potter books and invented board games and wrote trivia questions and swam and did a kids’ triathlon and spent time with her parents and grandparents. Aaron worked on the house. I had a lull in my workflow. We all went to California to visit the west coast contingent of Aaron’s family and do some sightseeing.

In most years I’m overjoyed to get everyone (including me) back into a routine come September. I love it down to my bones, the new edge to the air, the earlier nightfall, the promise of all we’ll learn and do and feel when we get Back To It.

This year’s different. Robin’s starting high school, Josie middle school. I don’t have a child in elementary school any more. And it just seems like with the start of this school year, I’m one big step closer to their leaving me. I know, that’s as it should be. I know, it’s no more significant than any other sunrise in the inevitable march of time. I know, they were always going to leave, and I know, something would be wrong if they didn’t.

But yesterday nobody in our house was a high school student. Today, someone is. College is, like, tomorrow.

I have so little time left with them, and it’s hitting me kind of hard, just now.

To our bus driver, on the last day of school

Dear Ben,

I am remembering Robin’s first day of kindergarten, when she was barely 5 years old, and so serious, brave and quiet, and so focused on riding that bus. Her little frog backpack was firmly in place and her little gaze so determined. You pulled to a stop at the corner, and she marched right up the bus steps as soon as the door opened! And you could have waved and gone on, but instead you said, “oh sweetie, give your Mommy a hug first. She needs one today.” You were so kind to do that. She was a little startled that she’d forgotten, and left for school happier after that hug. And oh yes, I did need one that day.

The seasons passed and every day, Josie would come to the bus stop with us to see Robin off. She’d wave at you and show you her favorite mittens (every day, all winter long) and tell you the latest news. I have no idea if you could hear much of what she babbled over the bus engine, but you always responded as if it were the most important news you’d hear all week. One day, she announced at the top of her lungs, “I’M 4! AND I’M GOING TO PRESCHOOL! AND I CAN WIPE MY OWN BUM!” and you said, “OH, WOW!” …because, well, wow.

Those have become treasured family stories, and you’ve been a treasured presence in my girls’ young lives. I know we are only one of many families who feel this way. We are so grateful. Thank you.

Have a wonderful summer. We will see each other around town, and we’ll always wave at the bus!

 

A breakthrough, thanks to Starbucks.

Recently, Mom and I had some time to kill waiting for a prescription to be filled, so went to Stop & Shop to pick up something for dinner. Mom has her groceries delivered (hooray for PeaPod–though she does not love recent changes to your website, yo), and hadn’t been inside the grocery store for years. She was gobsmacked at how big the place is, and couldn’t manage walking the aisles. Happily, there is a Starbucks there as well, so we got coffee and sat down for a bit.

People familiar with LBD will know what I mean when I say that you never know who your loved one is going to be on any given day. On this day, I had Nice Mom. People walked by as we sat, and she smiled at them, and they smiled back. This struck her as amazing, that people seem so nice, and so happy to be smiled at. It was as if she’d never noticed that before.

Over the years I’ve learned not to talk about myself with her, nor about Aaron or any of my friends. We talk about Robin and Josie. About her granddaughters, she doesn’t twist things around, or criticize, or inject snobbish or haughty opinions. She just delights in their growth and accomplishments, or their humor, or any of their stories. So, as we sipped our coffees, I babbled on about how this or that recent event revealed some aspect of their personalities.

Last fall’s kitchen incident showcased Robin at her best. I told Mom the story from our perspective, as we came to her house thinking we were there for dinner and to fix the answering machine, but found a pretty impressive mess on arrival. I told her how scared we were, and how Josie was upset to the point of tears, and how Robin had taken care of her and handled things beautifully while I pieced together what had happened. Mom hadn’t known any of this.

I told her that Dad had been beside himself and fixated on getting her medicine adjusted as a “solution.” I reminded her that when she was diagnosed, I read everything I could find about LBD, but that there is no way for Dad to do that. I’ve told him things, but he can’t do his own research. Blindness has him quite literally in the dark. He seized on medication as the problem, but hadn’t quite come to terms yet with the progressiveness and incurability of her illness. Medicine is great at keeping some of the symptoms at bay. It won’t work forever.

I got a lot across in a very short time. Didn’t lecture, didn’t preach, didn’t rub her nose in it… just told her how it is for us, through this one incident.

She listened. Such a simple thing, but it almost never happens. She really listened. She didn’t get hostile, paranoid, defensive, or mean. She seemed, for the first time, to consider what the changes happening to her feel like for all of us. That they terrify her husband. That her grandchildren are not just aware, but coping, in their own ways. And–maybe–she came to appreciate a small fraction of what it means for me, too. That there is a real emotional cost to the increasingly managerial role I have taken in their lives. That I keep my phone within reach at all times. That there is never a day I pull into her driveway without a little nugget of fear in my gut. And, importantly, that I need her help, while she still can, to figure out the next step.

Then I listened. She told me what it feels like to have a malevolent voice in your head threatening gruesome violence and belittling your every attempt to overcome the fear of it. She told me how every day, the voice tells her it will kill her on the way to the mailbox, and every day, she tells it “fuck you” and goes to the mailbox anyway. She said that she doesn’t tell my Dad that it’s become a triumph of will just to get to the mailbox and back, but that she asks him to wait at the head of the driveway while she goes and to hug her when she gets back, and he does, and he doesn’t ask why, and doesn’t make her feel stupid for needing it. He just does it, because it’s what he can do.

It was good. Good to talk, good to hear, good to have coffee with my mother as if we were friends sharing parts of our lives. I’m going to need that Starbucks again.

In which I confirm my existence

Well, six months went by in a flash.

All is mostly well.

I’d been writing here to document my “sandwich generation” experience, sharing the humor as well as the trials and tribulations that come with having a parent with dementia. While things are still humorous (it’s life!) we did have some more on the trials and tribulations end of the scale this fall.

For one thing, there was a mishap in Mom’s kitchen. For reasons unknown, she got up at 4:30 one Thursday morning and put a plastic tray on the stove. Dad awoke to the smoke detector half an hour later. They got the stove turned off and the smoke aired out. Mom went back to bed.

Dad called her neurologist’s office, thinking that surely her medication could be adjusted, or there would be something else the doctor could do that would prevent this ever happening again. (I don’t think he’s quite come to terms with the fact that things are going to get worse.) They played phone tag that day and the next, and he became increasingly frustrated. Friday evening he called me in a total fit because he couldn’t get the answering machine to work. I said I’d bring the girls over for dinner and fix it.

We arrived with pizza in hand to find the kitchen and some of the rest of the house coated with greasy black soot. He’d told me nothing about the kitchen incident — I thought I was going to solve the answering machine problem. I would never have brought the girls, let alone food, into that setting had I known.

Josie’s eyes got huge and filled with tears. “I don’t like this, Mommy. There is something wrong here and I’m scared.” Robin went instantly into “cope” mode, in which she is totally amazing. She comforted her sister, found a relatively clean place for us to eat, loaded and ran the dishwasher.

Meanwhile I pieced together the story from Dad, and went in to the bedroom to talk to Mom about it. “Mom,” I said. “You had a lot of smoke in the kitchen, I see.”

Her response? “Really? Wow!” And, later, “am I supposed to be feeling somehow responsible for this?” (Days later, to me, “you know, your father hasn’t been himself lately. I think he had something to do with what happened in the kitchen.” If by that you mean saving things from being much worse, Mom, then yes. Yes, he did.)

Long, long story short: the house was cleaned by specially trained professionals in a process that took two weeks. The stove could not be salvaged. Insurance company hassles were minimal, but not zero.

Also: my mother has been admonished by her doctor not to consume a bottle of Chardonnay along with her medication in the evenings. This falls in the category of “things you don’t think you’d have to say out loud,” but evidently it was necessary. She’s been pretty good about it since, as far as I know.

Rick and I are doing our utmost to convince them to sell their house and move to an assisted living community. Stay tuned.

 

Summertime — and the living is… different.

Our first week of summer was sort of disorienting, with no particular reason to know what day it was and no specific time to have to get up or go to bed. We had a holiday weekend, a full moon, a sleepless night with Dad in the emergency room (he is fine, and more about that later), and an intense storm complete with tornado warning thrown in just to keep things feeling weird.

Robin’s first week at “nerd camp” coincided with Josie’s interlude between school and musical theater camp (lord help me), and my time between work projects. A few days adrift hasn’t been a bad thing, but now I need a new rhythm. For one thing, my nascent exercise routine will have to be nascent all over again.

While Robin had a terrific week living in a dorm, piloting an ROV, and studying “Strength of Materials” and other things, Josie had a terrific week being an only child at home. We had a shopping day and got her sneakers, socks, shorts, a new watch, and a new bike helmet. As usual, she chose “boys” sneakers and “boys” socks. She used to get all pissed off that the stuff she likes best usually says it’s for boys. If a salesperson asked if we needed help, she’d tell them exactly what she thought of it. Now resigned to society’s stupidity about gendering stuff, she just goes for the colors she wants without much grumbling. However, if there is ever a price difference between “boy” socks and “girl” socks, I have a feeling we’ll be speaking to the store manager.

We also stopped in a store called Five Below (like the Dollar Store, only everything below $5). I had never been in and was curious. Josie was up for checking it out. We went in, and each drifted around to whatever caught our eye. Pretty soon Josie was back at my elbow. “Mommy, we need to get out of here. What kind of store sells fake poop?!”

On the way home from our errands, I looked over at her in the passenger seat and thought, OK, a 6th grader. Not little anymore. Right. It’s not like I just realized how old she is, but she just did one of those jumps that kids do. Same kid… same kid… same kid… new kid. All of a sudden her little-kid-ness isn’t on the surface anymore. She’s big.

Robin just did the same thing – the teenager emerging where the big kid used to be. Not just in the sighing, in the way she says “…okayyyyyyyy…” when asked to do any little thing around the house, but in her long limbs, her posture, and the way she hugs me. She’s giving those hugs, not reaching up to indulge them. We went to the beach for July 4th fireworks. I told the girls to put on long pants and a sweatshirt. Robin came downstairs in a panic: “Mommy! All my pants are too small!” She’s grown two inches. When? When did this happen? These pants fit her a month ago. I guess that explains where the pancakes go.

I know I’m boring you. Every parent says the same stuff. But still.

In case you are still reading, I shall close with a rant about social media:

People have been Tweeting and Facebooking about Cape Cod summer holiday weekend traffic as if it is some kind of horrifying new and unforeseen phenomenon. Some of these people have brains in their heads, but they are acting like morons. It is July 4 weekend. Yes, westbound traffic on Sunday is terrible. Remember Thursday and Friday, when eastbound traffic was terrible? That was your clue that westbound traffic would be terrible Sunday and Monday.

You might as well be surprised when the sun rises every day. “OMG, look at this giant ball of fire in the sky! This picture was taken facing EAST at 5:30 AM.” Comments following: “OMG. Awful.” “When I looked, the fireball was getting HIGHER!!!” “Someone should do something about that. Giant balls of fire in the sky are just stupid.” “Thanks, Obama.” For the love of Pete, Cape Codders, knock it off. You are smarter than this.

And now to the summer schedule. Jumpstart that exercise routine, hit the lake for swimming and sailing, get in some campfires at the beach, avoid left turns when possible, lie low on weekends. Life is good!

In which Robin hates everything except her friends, then doesn’t, then does, then doesn’t, and goes to nerd camp.

Yesterday, we brought Robin to Advanced Studies and Leadership camp at the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. It’s a terrific program, serving about 200 7th and 8th graders from public school districts on Cape Cod. For three weeks (coming home on weekends), they’ll do a mix of STEM-related classes and activities, a humanities course, team games, music-making, and all kinds of other stuff.

Robin and her friends call it “nerd camp.” They couldn’t be happier or more excited. They’re living in dorms, and assigned roommates not from their own town so that everyone gets to know as many new kids as possible. It’s right on the Cape Cod Canal. A dorm is a dorm, but the view from this one is pretty cool.

I am so proud of her and thrilled for her to have this opportunity. It’ll be the first time she’s been away from home longer than overnight, so a major step for our family, and particularly for her sister. The girls have been fighting lately, which is unusual for them.

Robin can be bossy (first child…), and her emotions can get out of proportion when people don’t behave as she wants them to. Josie can just shut down and refuse to engage. They each get how they get, and know when to give each other a wide berth. But lately, Robin’s been picking fights, and overreacting to things even by 12 year-old girl standards. And the mood swings… omg. Yesterday she was screaming and crying about how she hated everything and nobody understands or listens to her. Ten minutes later she made us all oatmeal cookies. Today, she picked the same fight with Josie as yesterday — ending in the same screaming and crying and self-indulgent wallowing outrage as yesterday, saying how she’s DONE. DONE! with having a sister. Then she asked if they could watch a TV show together.

I think (warning: amateur psychology ahead) that a lot of their fighting has to do with getting ready to be apart and miss each other. It’s easier to be OK with a separation if they’re not feeling so happy together, sure. But more than that, both girls are at developmental stages where each is beginning to see and define herself in the world apart from her family, and apart from her sister in particular: I am like this. You are like that. I am not like that. It is OK for me to be away from that. In fact, I don’t even like that very much, so there.

All normal, I think, but it’s exhausting.

As much as we’re going to miss Robin and the house will feel incomplete while she’s not home, we could all use a break from the whole tween psycho routine. I have whiplash from following the mood swings too closely. I can’t wait to hear how nerd camp is going when she comes home for the weekend, by which time I hope to be out of my neck brace.

Hot flashes (no, not mine) and other things for the birds.

On the way to visit my parents this week, I picked up a rotisserie chicken at BJs for their dinner. If they like it, I will do that more often. It’s quick and easy for me, and considering they mostly eat prepared or frozen meals, it’s relatively inexpensive for them ($5 for a whole cooked chicken? You can’t beat that with a stick). I threw in some of the ginger snaps they love from Trader Joe’s. (I don’t know if my parents ever eat any vegetables but that’s one of the things I file under “not my problem.” If my 85 year-old Dad never wants to eat another vegetable again, I’m not gonna make him.)

When I entered their house, Dad was sitting with his head down on the kitchen table, complaining of a “hot flash.” He said he’d woken during the night and the heat had been turned on. He knew Mom did it, and he kept trying to get her to say that she’d done it. Mom, never a big fan of admissions of truth, denied it and kept trying to get him not to obsess over how it had happened. It was certainly warm in the house. She said she’d turned it “back down” to 72F. Great. I got Dad an ice pack, and set the thermostat to 70F. The a/c came on: sweet relief.

I put the chicken in the fridge, and spied a bag of Romaine lettuce that had been left out since whenever they’d had groceries delivered. “Shall I put the lettuce away, Mom?” “Sure, in the bottom crisper.” The bottom crisper was already occupied by a sad, tough loaf of white bread dated December 7, possibly of 2013. That is where things go to die. So I’ll give the lettuce a couple of weeks, then retrieve it and compost what I can’t use.

I paid the bills, then at Mom’s request, tried to help renew her driver’s license online. Turns out the RMV won’t let her do it. In fact, they’re planning to revoke her license if she doesn’t attend a driver retraining class. Evidently she’s racked up an unacceptable number of moving violations. Mom is a terrible driver — not due to age or illness, but for as long as I can remember. I’ve been nervous about her driving since I was 6, and have never allowed my children in her car. So, she’ll go to driving school this Saturday. Maybe the instructor will remember her from last time.

The December 7 bread came home with me, along with a tote bag full of books about Writing Your Spiritual Autobiography and other such nonsense. Mom has always liked buying books about doing stuff more than actually doing stuff. Week by week, I’m chipping away at this lifetime’s accumulation of worthless print via my local library’s donation shelf. I hope they’re making some money off it at the weekly book sale.

Josie took the bread when she got home from school, and happily threw it (“like Frisbees!”) to the crows in the woods. “Did that come from Grandma’s?” she asked. “Of course it did. Where else would you still find bread from December,” replied Robin.

Where, indeed.